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Roast #4: Mark Schaukowitch

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Well, while Shock doesn't post on this site or read it... I decided I'd roast him anyway. I will definitely print this off for him as a cheap graduation present. Over the past two years (and before then if you count the time I sat on the same student council with him at Prince of Peace Catholic grade school), I've gotten to know Shock pretty well. He's a good friend and a mentor. I say mentor even as I remember how I broke away from him this year because he's always been there as someone I could talk in a time of need.

 

I don't know what to say, but I do know what Shock would say: "It's all great, grand and wonderful that they solve for a few fish... you must vote negative because at the point at which they cause multiple scenarios of GLOBAL NUCLEAR WAR and at the point at which you see that this is always going to be bad because A) PEOPLE WILL DIE and B) IT WILL BLOW UP THE PLANET you must vote negative." Or "Because they never tell you where oil spills happen, WE CAN ASSUME THEY HAPPEN ON LAND!" Many Shock-isms will be remembered for years to come.

 

Shock became a critical debater. If you asked him if his plan solved, he'd kritik you. If you asked him if genocide really were happening in Alaska, he'd kritik you. Or run "framework" on you. Or whatever he decided to call it eventually. Shock loved ethic of care more than he loved T, which he hated. If you asked him what to call the politics DA with a morality impact, he'd say it was a post-fiat kritik of Bush. He also loved to call people on "performative contradictions." Why, if you said on one flow that Bush will nuke Africa and then on another flow that Bush will fund a program to solve Africa in AIDS, he'd say: "He said that Bush is good and bad, that is a performative contradiction: that's bad for 25 reasons [25 points = 2 arguments]" .But despite being critical, he also had a love for policy debate.

 

The sort of love for policy that caused him to speak to a group of 5th-7th graders about debate. Instead of focusing on explaining the activity and why it is beneficial, he decided to read to them nuclear war impacts. The teacher was not impressed, but he at least got his words out.

 

That's what he did. He got his words out. Mark Schaukowitch is someone who has had ups and downs in his life and debate career, but always did so in his own way. I can't help but admire the attitude, courage, and wisdom that Shock always exemplified in debate. The point at which I realize that he is a great, grand and wonderful friend is the point at which I thank him and wish him a good times in college.

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Wow, so thats how you spell it. I feel sorry for his wife, who will have to roll with the last name of Schaukowitch.

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Oh yeah, one more story...

 

So Shock is playing poker at Alex McCoy's house. One guy at the table bets big... Shock calls. This is after the river. It turns out that Shock had nothing; he loses a lot of chips. When asked why, he responds: "I was bluffing."

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Mark Schaukowitch's extemp style was best summed up by Winston Churchill: "I admire the right honorable gentleman his approach to the facts. He stands no nonsense from them."

 

Mark Schaukowitch's debate style was best summed up by the practice round in front of Matt and I in which I stopped flowing, walked down to the board, and began tallying the number of times he used the phrases "great, grand, and wonderful" and "at the point at which." With me starting three minutes into an eight minute constructive, with Shock fully aware of what I was doing and trying with all his might to contain himself, I nonetheless reached double digits in each column by the end of his speech.

 

Mark Schaukowitch as a person is best summed up by his decision to give up the Washburn Rural overnight as a senior and instead go coach the novices at the Olathe North season opener. I never got the novices past eighth at that tournament. With Mark guiding them every step of the way, they took first place. Mark's involvement inspired not just our kids, but the host tournament staff, to the point at which they created a special award for him on the spot. As for those novices, they fell in love with debate that day, and later went on to win novice state.

 

I know what a Mark Schaukowitch can do. My life changed on October 30 1986 when Adam Menendez, a national qualifier and debate superstar, took me aside and went out of his way to let an unskilled, socially inept, friendless high school freshman know that he thought I was cool for what I was doing and that I was welcome in the community of which he was a part. My novices were not the train wrecks I was at that point in my life, but Mark went out of his way for them the way others once had for me, and maybe the way that somebody once did for many of you.

 

There is much to admire in debate, by no means the least of which are speaker awards and state championships and really cool theory intended to change the world. But I will contend that it is what Mark did that day that is TRULY transformative, in a way that no pre-fiat argument can be. What he did is what is best in us, and best about the game we play.

 

I cannot say Mark be missed, because he'll be back every time we can convince him to come. I will instead merely congratulate STA's all-time leader in NFL points, extemp tournaments won, and debate rounds won.

 

The factual issues in those extemp speeches, however, are going to have to be dealt with...

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Wow, so thats how you spell it. I feel sorry for his wife, who will have to roll with the last name of Schaukowitch.

 

If she can put up with his adherence to Vulcan mating practices, she can put up with the name. How else will they live long and prosper?

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true but that ruins the joke

 

oh and Shock is the ish ... I like that kid alot and Steve that impersonation made me laugh outloud when I read it considering it was identical to what I have heard a million times escape his mouth

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The sort of love for policy that caused him to speak to a group of 5th-7th graders about debate. Instead of focusing on explaining the activity and why it is beneficial, he decided to read to them nuclear war impacts. The teacher was not impressed, but he at least got his words out.

 

The teacher was not impressed, but those 5th-7th graders were! My 7th grade brother witnessed Mark's presentation at Prince of Peace elementary school which Mark, Steve, and I attended together Preschool-8th grade. My brother said that everyone in his class wanted to do debate after watching Mark. After I finished talking to the 5th-7th graders at that same school about newspaper, I went over to the room where Mark was at. I found him speeding part of our Genocide RDF 1AC with seven or eight 7th graders crowded around, listening (maybe not comprehending) intently. After that, Mark and I had a speeding competition in front of them. I won, but I think the kids were still a bit more mesmerized by Mark, who was clearly thoroughly enjoying himself.

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Oh man, the stories with Mark Shocker are endless, but I'll tell a few of my favorities.

Mark Schaukowitch was my roommate at JEDI this past summer, and that was an experience of a lifetime. For example, after seeing Mark's mom at check in (who happened to be my school nurse), I made a few comments about the fact that Mark's mom was hott (with two t's). This eventually evolved into the sticky note that was infamous for all who entered our dorm room.

"Shocker's mom is a milf" was stuck on my dresser drawer for the entirety of camp, and it is something I will forever remember.

Another great grand and wonderful memory also had to do with fine looking women. It suddenly appeared to me at camp that for some reason Shocker had not been exposed to some of the majik that the internet could bring. Within a few hours after learning this information, Schaukowitch was soon exposed to files on my computer that are generally for my eyes only. After seeing two women like he had never seen them before, I'm afraid Shocker was permanently scarred and damaged, but I know he liked it. If you ever want to see shocker's eyes bug out, just unleash him on some girl-on-girl film footage.

The closest thing to lesbian porno around is of course Student Congress, and anyone who knows Mark Schaukowitch knows of his Student Congress antics. For example, Shocker made the BEST british parliamentarian at BVW. Also, hearing Shaukowitch link every piece of legislation to "seven scenarios of nuclear war!!!" was pretty damned hilarious.

Shocker, you're one of the coolest damn kids on the planet, and you BETTER do debate next year so I can get the chance to see you around.

 

Peace

alex

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Shocker's mom was also my junior high nurse, and I must agree, she was hott.

Also, he judged me for my first round ever at STA when I was a freshman. That was an entertaining, and very painful round. Shock tore us up on the ballot, and I think he had to re-write it for being to mean. My partner basically cursed out the other team, which caused one of them to cry, and me to ask him to change his ways for the rest of the tournament in the 2AR.

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Or maybe not all women take their husband's last name.

 

or maybe not all husbands have wives...

 

or maybe not all husbands have last names... :eek:

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