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ATTN: Irony Teams

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Please use this next year.

 

MOSCOW, USSR—Less than a week after the return of the Atlantis orbiter marked the end of the U.S. space shuttle program, the crowded streets and textile factories of Moscow erupted in celebration as the USSR officially declared victory over the United States in the Space Race.

 

"At long last, our great Soviet republic has conquered the West and achieved technological and ideological superiority over America," Kremlin representative Sergei Voronin said Wednesday, announcing the achievement to an audience of joyous beet farmers and steel factory laborers assembled in Red Square. "We have established our unrivaled dominion over the stars and planets and stand now at the dawn of a new era, an era in which the tenets of communism shall echo loudly across the Earth's entire expanse."

 

Soviet space stations like this one may soon number in the dozens, officials at the USSR's State Committee for Science and Technology say.

 

"Comrades, your hard work and sacrifice have finally paid off!" continued Voronin, his proud voice rising in excitement. "Let us honor this glorious day in Soviet history!"

 

The termination of NASA's space shuttle program marks the end of a nearly 54-year rivalry between the USSR and the United States to achieve superiority in space exploration. The communist state's solidification of its place as the world's predominant superpower has been observed with lavish military parades and celebrations in cities from Leningrad to East Berlin.

 

"While the Americans have allowed themselves to be distracted by wars and the search for oil, the USSR has always known that he who controls space leads the world," Premier Mikhail Gorbachev said in a statement. "Our scientists and cosmonauts have brought honor and glory to the Soviet people with their courage and unwavering commitment to communist ideals."

 

Sources confirmed that in commemoration of the capitalist defeat, extra bread and corn rations had been approved in all major cities, and factory workers were given time off their nine-hour work shifts to join in the festivities. Throughout the Eastern Bloc, pitchforks, hammers, Soviet flags, and large banners adorned with the face of Lenin were seen waving in the air as the excitement of the victory quickly spread.

 

"When we saw footage of the Atlantis touching down for the very last time, everyone in the tractor factory exploded with unbridled joy at the triumph of our republic," said Kiev assembly-line operator Yaroslav Biryukov, who marched in unison with a batch of laborers while loud refrains of the Soviet national anthem rang out through the streets. "We must now, all of us, work harder, harder than ever to seize this great moment in history."

 

Shock waves from the USSR's victory in the Space Race have been felt across the communist world, with grand celebrations reported in China, Cuba, North Korea, Yugoslavia, and Afghanistan.

 

The White House conceded its defeat earlier today, acknowledging the United States was unfit to compete with the USSR given today's harsh economic landscape.

 

"There is simply no way for us to match our Soviet rival, either in outer space or here on Earth," President Obama said in a televised press conference that drew wild cheers when broadcast to the USSR and its satellite states. "They simply have more advanced technology, better scientists, and a more stable society overall. We honestly never stood a chance."

 

"It's sad to say, but we'll be seeing Soviet cosmonauts on the moon for years before we see another American astronaut there," Obama continued. "I suppose this just goes to show that capitalism was never the right system after all."

 

With U.S. intelligence now reporting the Kremlin is at least a year and a half ahead of schedule on its current five-year economic plan, political analysts predict a dramatic shift in power will lead to the rapid Sovietization of the Western Hemisphere, a theory supported by the mass exodus of North American citizens to the USSR over the past year.

 

"It's only a matter of time before the Soviet Union has successfully spread its communist ideals throughout the entire world, and the United States must accept this grim fact," University of Virginia political scientist Michael Gates said. "We can deny the truth as much as we like, but we might as well face it: Our great experiment has failed."

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/ussr-wins-space-race-as-us-shuts-down-shuttle-prog,21007/

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The Onion as a cite? You're a bit behind the times

 

Agreed, but you could always rewrite this as some sort of pointless opening to an ironic K of some kind. I'm not willing to put that much thought into this, I just know that these kinds of things are always useful to the ironic debater. If only ironic debaters were useful...

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I'm not a debate hipster, I don't care that other people also read the Onion.

 

That's not what we said. You told irony teams to read the Onion as a cite, but that is already old news. It is as if you said:

 

ATTN: aff teams

 

Please use this next year.

 

McClean 01, (David E., “The Cultural Left and the Limits of Social Hope,†Am. Phil. Conf., www.american-philosophy.org/archives/past_conference_programs/pc2001/Discussion%20papers/david_mcclean.htm, dbm)

Yet for some reason, at least partially explicated in Richard Rorty's Achieving Our Country, a book that I think is long overdue, leftist critics continue to cite and refer to the eccentric and often a priori ruminations of people like those just mentioned, and a litany of others including Derrida, Deleuze, Lyotard, Jameson, and Lacan, who are to me hugely more irrelevant than Habermas in their narrative attempts to suggest policy prescriptions (when they actually do suggest them) aimed at curing the ills of homelessness, poverty, market greed, national belligerence and racism. I would like to suggest that it is time for American social critics who are enamored with this group, those who actually want to be relevant, to recognize that they have a disease, and a disease regarding which I myself must remember to stay faithful to my own twelve step program of recovery. The disease is the need for elaborate theoretical "remedies" wrapped in neological and multi-syllabic jargon. These elaborate theoretical remedies are more "interesting," to be sure, than the pragmatically settled questions about what shape democracy should take in various contexts, or whether private property should be protected by the state, or regarding our basic human nature (described, if not defined (heaven forbid!), in such statements as "We don't like to starve" and "We like to speak our minds without fear of death" and "We like to keep our children safe from poverty"). As Rorty puts it, "When one of today's academic leftists says that some topic has been 'inadequately theorized,' you can be pretty certain that he or she is going to drag in either philosophy of language, or Lacanian psychoanalysis, or some neo-Marxist version of economic determinism. . . . These futile attempts to philosophize one's way into political relevance are a symptom of what happens when a Left retreats from activism and adopts a spectatorial approach to the problems of its country. Disengagement from practice produces theoretical hallucinations"(italics mine).(1) Or as John Dewey put it in his The Need for a Recovery of Philosophy, "I believe that philosophy in America will be lost between chewing a historical cud long since reduced to woody fiber, or an apologetics for lost causes, . . . . or a scholastic, schematic formalism, unless it can somehow bring to consciousness America's own needs and its own implicit principle of successful action." Those who suffer or have suffered from this disease Rorty refers to as the Cultural Left, which left is juxtaposed to the Political Left that Rorty prefers and prefers for good reason. Another attribute of the Cultural Left is that its members fancy themselves pure culture critics who view the successes of America and the West, rather than some of the barbarous methods for achieving those successes, as mostly evil, and who view anything like national pride as equally evil even when that pride is tempered with the knowledge and admission of the nation's shortcomings. In other words, the Cultural Left, in this country, too often dismiss American society as beyond reform and redemption. And Rorty correctly argues that this is a disastrous conclusion, i.e. disastrous for the Cultural Left. I think it may also be disastrous for our social hopes, as I will explain. Leftist American culture critics might put their considerable talents to better use if they bury some of their cynicism about America's social and political prospects and help forge public and political possibilities in a spirit of determination to, indeed, achieve our country - the country of Jefferson and King; the country of John Dewey and Malcom X; the country of Franklin Roosevelt and Bayard Rustin, and of the later George Wallace and the later Barry Goldwater. To invoke the words of King, and with reference to the American society, the time is always ripe to seize the opportunity to help create the "beloved community," one woven with the thread of agape into a conceptually single yet diverse tapestry that shoots for nothing less than a true intra-American cosmopolitan ethos, one wherein both same sex unions and faith-based initiatives will be able to be part of the same social reality, one wherein business interests and the university are not seen as belonging to two separate galaxies but as part of the same answer to the threat of social and ethical nihilism. We who fancy ourselves philosophers would do well to create from within ourselves and from within our ranks a new kind of public intellectual who has both a hungry theoretical mind and who is yet capable of seeing the need to move past high theory to other important questions that are less bedazzling and "interesting" but more important to the prospect of our flourishing - questions such as "How is it possible to develop a citizenry that cherishes a certain hexis, one which prizes the character of the Samaritan on the road to Jericho almost more than any other?" or "How can we square the political dogma that undergirds the fantasy of a missile defense system with the need to treat America as but one member in a community of nations under a "law of peoples?" The new public philosopher might seek to understand labor law and military and trade theory and doctrine as much as theories of surplus value; the logic of international markets and trade agreements as much as critiques of commodification, and the politics of complexity as much as the politics of power (all of which can still be done from our arm chairs.) This means going down deep into the guts of our quotidian social institutions, into the grimy pragmatic details where intellectuals are loathe to dwell but where the officers and bureaucrats of those institutions take difficult and often unpleasant, imperfect decisions that affect other peoples' lives, and it means making honest attempts to truly understand how those institutions actually function in the actual world before howling for their overthrow commences. This might help keep us from being slapped down in debates by true policy pros who actually know what they are talking about but who lack awareness of the dogmatic assumptions from which they proceed, and who have not yet found a good reason to listen to jargon-riddled lectures from philosophers and culture critics with their snobish disrespect for the so-called "managerial class."

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